The first six weeks of MJ’s life went by so slowly I thought I was going to die. Seriously. Every night I was afraid to go to sleep because I thought I wouldn’t wake up. Turns out, that’s a common side effect of The Baby Blues. I felt so awful, because recovering from surgery took such a toll on me physically and emotionally that I didn’t even appreciate my brand new baby girl. All I could think about was wanting to feel better. Plus, there was lots of screaming going on in the house, we had a sick toddler, and I rarely left bed. It was a rough, long, six weeks.
But now! Five months have passed since MJ was born, and it has FLOWN by. I hate it, yet I love it. It’s just one of the many occurrences where my brain has no idea what it wants in regard to motherhood.
I have such weird mixed emotions about EVERYTHING right now. I am desperate for a full night’s sleep. The longest stretch I’ve had in over seven months has been four hours, and that happened once. ONE TIME. Most nights, I get about two hour stretches before having to nurse or tend to a crabby 2-year old who discovered he can get out of his toddler bed. The lack of sleep is a huge contributor to my post-partum depression (the other contributor being that MJ is a bottle snob). Yet last night, after we discovered that a pacifier substituted the 11pm feeding, I was both elated and dismayed.
“I can’t believe it. Soon she’s never going to nurse again. I think I might miss these late-night feedings.”
If you haven’t talked to me in the past month, you probably aren’t rolling your eyes. But if you have, you can understand why this is the most ridiculous statement ever. I. Am. Exhausted. I am sore. I am dehydrated. I am literally drained. Nursing this time around hasn’t been a burden, necessarily, but because she’s not taking a bottle, it’s been a HUGE commitment, and as soon as my baby turns one year old, I will have no problem weaning her cold turkey.
Yet, I’m also very sad at the thought of that…no, wait…am I? I don’t know. I’ll have another baby to nurse one day. What! No way, I won’t! Really? MJ’s my last? That’s so sad, I want more!. No, I want sleep! Bahhhhh!
Motherhood. It turns sane people into crazy loons. Crazy loons with adorable kids, though, amIright?